Guest Blog: ‘A Series of Shitty Events’ by @PatriciaFalona

by • December 8, 2011 • SoPhiComments (1)1170


… So, I had a pretty decent day, besides the fact that I stayed up all night to study for three finals that never happened. But, who…… can really be upset about being prepared? Better safe than sorry. So anyway, after class, I went to the library, checked out a book…… I’ve turned in all of my papers, projects, homework, extra credit work, etc., that y’all know I have been working extremely hard on…… I’m not expecting anything but A’s and maybe one B, so I said fuck it, I’m starting the celebration early. SO, I get my Patron…… and as I’m walking home, I’m smiling from ear to ear, thinking about where and how far I’m going in life. All that shit. SO…… I start to skip down the street. Yes, me and all of my five feet and eleven inches FROLICKED through the fucking hood…… next thing I know, my skipping turns into stumbling. My stumbling turns into slipping. Guess what my slipping turns into?…… Go ahead, take a wild guess…
-waits patiently-
… I skipped, stumbled, slipped, attempted to catch my balance, crip-walked, cha-cha’ed, electric slid, cranked that robo cop…… leaned with it and rocked with it, snapped my fingers and did my stare, lost my balance, threw up gang signs on my way down…… Somersaulted, and belly flopped my ass ever so delicately into a pile of… you guessed it… SHIT. And not just any shit. FRESH SHIT…
… The SHIT was so fresh. HOW fresh was it? That SHIT was SO fresh, I watched the steam rise from it as I laid on the ground, humiliated…… Y’all, I didn’t know if I wanted to play dead or burst into tears. So I did a little bit of both…… Fuck all of you for asking if the bottle of Patron is okay. I FUCKING HIT MY DOUGIE INTO A PILE OF SHIT AND PEOPLE JUST WATCHED…… Y’all better believe I didn’t let go of that bottle of Patron though. I held on to that shit like it was the cure to cancer…
… So, as I’m laying there in this steaming pile of shit, too embarrased to move, tears rolling down my cheeks, trying to figure out….. WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO THAT WAS SO HORRIBLE, THAT GOD FELT I NEEDED TO SEE WHAT IT’D BE LIKE TO BREASTSTROKE IN A PILE OF SHIT!?…… I can’t help but think “I KNOW you’re supposed to pick up after your dog. This is why Black people will never have nice things”…… I’M WADING IN A PILE OF SHIT, BECAUSE MOTHERFUCKERS WANT TO PRETEND LIKE THEIR DOGS SHIT INVISIBLE SHIT. HELL NAH. CALL FEMA…
… So, I lay there for another couple of seconds, praying that a wild pitbull will just appear out of thin air and maul my ass to death…… Then I said fuck it. I’m three blocks from my house, I’m just gonna thug it the fuck on out…… I didn’t care who saw. I didn’t care who pointed and I didn’t care who laughed. As long as they don’t ask me any fucking questions…… And who in their right mind would have ANY questions for a bitch with shit on her sweater? Don’t even fucking ask me if I’m okay…… I had to get a story together quick though because let’s be realistic, I live in the hood, n-ggas are nosy. I had to think fast…… Just so y’all know, nobody asked me. But if they would’ve, I was going to tell them it was chocolate pudding and keep it moving…
… I know this story is long, but I’m trying to paint y’all a picture. Bare with me, I didn’t even get to the good part…
… Y’all, it took everything in me to not start working on that bottle of Patron, while I power walked it out the rest of the way home…… I’m one block away. All I could think was “you’re almost home. just don’t make eye contact with anyone and you’ll be fine”…… Little did I know, the shit gods weren’t finished with me yet. Oh, noooo. Let me off that easy? A girl can only dream…… No. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, the shit gods had more shitty ass tricks up their sleeves for me…
… Now I’m standing ACROSS THE STREET from my building, waiting for the cars to go by and pretending like their isn’t SHIT on my sweater…… For some reason, this green ass traffic light is refusing to turn red. I’m still waiting, dying to get out of these shitty ass clothes..… And just as the light turned yellow, and I prepared to get my Jackie Joyner-Kersee on and sprint my ass across the street…… And when I tell y’all I was preparing to run and not stop running until I was safely in the lobby of my building, shit. got. real…… I felt something smack me in the face…
… Does anyone want to guess what it was?…
-sits down indian style-
… Y’all, I’m looking around to see what the fuck hit me. Spinning in circles, I done forgot all about the shit on my sweater…… Something tells me to touch my face. Just touch it…
-begins to sob uncontrollably-
… You guys, I had shit on my face. I HAD SHIT ON MY FUCKING FACE. I’m spinning in circles with shit on my face……… A pigeon just decided that I didn’t matter, and since I already had shit on my sweater, it made sense to shit on my face…… So, somewhere in between being shitted on, trying to figure out which pigeon shitted on me and shaking my fists in the air…… The light turned green again…
… Let me tell y’all something. When you are waiting to cross the street and you have shit on your face, nothing matters anymore…… I had no more pride. I wasn’t even embarrassed anymore. I didn’t care what anyone thought, I just went numb….. I stood there, waiting for the light to turn red again. I didn’t even wipe the rest of the shit off my forehead. I wore my shit proudly…. For about thirty seconds, I didn’t give a fuck about anything. All I knew was that I had shit on my face, and things couldn’t get worse..… I knew things would either get better, or I was going to end up with shit in my weave. ‘Cause y’all know bad things happen in threes…
-sigh-
… The light turned red, I crossed the street, walked to my building and prepared myself for whatever was going to happen next…… I made it into my lobby. Got on the elevator. Made it to the thirteenth floor. Put my key in the door and went inside…… Threw my bookbag on the floor, took off my shitty ass sweater, put it in a garbage bag and headed to the bathroom to run a shower…… I took one look in the mirror at my shitty ass face and burst into tears. I was crying because I was humiliated. I was crying because…… my whole neighborhood saw what happened. But for the most part, I was crying because I had SHIT ON MY FUCKING FACE…… I washed my face, then jumped in the shower. I couldn’t stop thinking about how I went from walking on sunshine…… to walking home covered in SHIT.… I couldn’t wait to tell y’all what happened, so y’all could make me laugh about it. I knew y’all would get a kick out of this shit…
… I can laugh about it now. But let me tell y’all something…The moment that I KNEW I was going to fall, and accepting the fact that it was going to be in that pile of shit? I AINT FIND NOTHING FUNNY. There’s only one question I have…… At what point did SKIPPING, even though I’m damn near six feet tall, seem like a good idea? I know I must’ve looked special as fuck.If it wasn’t for the fact that there are only THREE days left in the semester, I wouldn’t leave my apartment until Cinco de Mayo.I had no business skipping. That was some real short bus shit.The next time I’m feeling jolly and get the urge to start skipping, I’m going to think about these student loans. #AllFrownyFaceEverything.
It took me three hours to tell y’all about a situation that lasted no longer than ten minutes. I HAD to paint that picture for y’all though.And that concludes ‘Patricia Falona’s: a series of shitty events’. That’s all, folks. -puts out the camp fire-

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One Response to Guest Blog: ‘A Series of Shitty Events’ by @PatriciaFalona

  1. La Verite says:

    LOLOLOLOL omg this post had me in tears! You are hilarious and hope to see other posts from you. That is by far a crazy story but so glad you shared it with humor and complete honesty. Although I’m sure you’ll never skip again, I’m glad you took a fugged up incident and turned it into something to laugh and joke about with others.

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