While we’re worried about people who don’t like Obama, the wool is being pulled over our eyes. You’re worried about niggas that don’t know you exist; meanwhile, the real enemy is the nigga you dap up every week outside the barber shop. Why? Because he’s a Pigpen Ass Nigga. A Pigpen Ass Nigga, or PAN, if you will may not look like a complete derelict upon first sight, but he has major tendencies that lead one to believe they’re not generally stanning for soap and water. Twitter has opened my eyes to a lot of filthy niggas trying to normalize their slovenly behavior and make us feel like they deserve to share this webspace or plane of existence with truly cleanly and godly men. Here’s a few things I notice.
You been playing in shit, boy? ♦ Niggas aren’t washing their hands or clipping their fingernails. I’m that guy that takes the time to work up a good lather while I’m washing my hands, whether I just used the restroom or just happened to walk by a sink with some decent handsoap I wanted to try. The shit is fun to me. I take of my watch and lather up my wrists too, why not? You in a hurry to get to the Annual Dirty Nigga Convention? You a guest speaker? Think about how many times you touch your face in a day. Now think about how many common items you have to touch and then think about how many people on this planet wipe their ass and never even run any sinkwater over their hands afterward just to save face. On top of that, niggas think it’s cool to walk around with their fingernails on Victor Creed status. Are you a feral mutant? Let’s test out your healing factor when I have to stab you in the heart for shaking my hand with those long, grimy fingernails. Take care of your hands, fam. There’s no shame in trusting it to the experts, either. Just don’t get the clear polish.
Towels & Toothbrushes ♦ Niggas are really content to use the same bath towel they used every day since Osama bin Laden was assassinated. No wash, no dry, no Febreze even. You might as well dry off with a damp wombat carcass at this point. The bathroom rug isn’t even clean…it’s damp and threadbare and probably writhing with silverfish. And forget about the PAN’s toothbrush. He’s had the same toothbrush through 2 bouts of strep throat, eating out of two different jump-offs and a herpes scare and the bastard is still using it two months later. I don’t care what the dentist says. If I walk into Target, I’m buying a toothbrush. Stocking up on you hoes. A fresh set of bristles can’t hurt. And if you’re not using Crest Pro Health Rinse or Listerine or something to rinse after, you’re just lost in the world.
Why your house look like that? ♦ You people gotta learn to crop shit out of photos. No reason in the world a man should have to be greeted by dirty laundry and a grungy carpet when you send him a nude. Just edit the picture and have it focus solely on what is important if he wants to be the dumb nigga pursuing the box of a woman whose house isn’t even clean. She’ll take off her jeans and all you’ll smell is sturgeon. You could have avoided this if you hadn’t ignored the disrepair and disarray of her home in the photo she sent you. And I’ve already said I can tell most of these bathroom model types still live at home. I know the difference between a master bedroom and the one you probably grew up in. You got that bed on your 12th birthday; that’s fine. Or you try to go take a pic in the living room when Big Mama is out…that’s fine, but who the fuck is 21 with a big wooden fork and spoon or praying hands sculpture on the wall? You’re not fooling anyone. Clean up, though. Then worry about posing for Twitter and Instagram.
Don’t Be A Pedophile…Wear An Undershirt ♦ There’s no way around it. How dare you disgrace the Gear God Ralph Lauren by putting a Polo right next to your naked flesh? An extra layer of cotton won’t hurt…it’s cotton…it’s breathable. Nobody wants to see your man-nipples poking through the shirt like two ball bearings. You don’t want to be out here in these streets looking like a rapey PE teacher. Not only does it look better, but the oils and fluids your skin secretes during the day can wear down fabric over time. So if you have any nicer clothes you want to last a while, it’s good to put a basic T or at least a wifebeater on under it.
Let Me Tell You About Soap ♦ People who know me know I despise bar soap. We’re not in prison. There are other options. Just because it’s soap doesn’t mean it’s not prone to accumulating bacteria from sitting there wet all day and night. Some use a container for it, but just make it easier on yourself and pick up some body wash. Use it, seal it shut, and get on with your day. If you must use a washcloth and not another cleansing device that allows for better drying, make sure the cloth is washed frequently.
I’m sure I’m missing a few more, so add some more in the comments section if you feel strongly. I gotta go wash my hands again.