Never have I ever been directly dumped or broken up with. I’m more inclined to use logic and analyze my relationships but when I do feel for someone, my extreme, passionate nature kicks in and I feel deeply. I take relationships seriously. I see each as an opportunity for growth and as a learning experience. My first heart break was served in the second grade. His name was Cleveland and he looked like Tank. The only qualification for being my boyfriend was that I liked him and he liked me back. Oh, how simple things were back then. We were leaving a creative writing class and our whole class was just chillin on the front of the building. There were stairs, a stoop, and a porch. Boys being boys, they started jumping off the porch to entertain the girls. Before Cleveland jumped he pointed at one of our classmates and said, “Clarissa, this ones for you!” And not only did he jump, but he did a somersault in the air. I was hurt. That should have been for me I thought. We were over! Even then I was assessing the situation, thinking if he didn’t like me anymore he could have just told me instead of dedicating a flip to someone else in my face. Little did I know this was only the beginning of a series of heartbreaks for me.
It’s been almost twenty years since then and I still haven’t ever been dumped. A guy has never been blunt with me and said, “Hey, this isn’t working,” or “I’m not feeling this anymore.” They always fake breakup with me by doing something that forces me to remove myself from the situation out of feeling devalued or they pull the fadeaway. The untouchable Jordan move where he shot his shot by falling back. The calls, texts, and dates or whatever abruptly cease and desist. It’s like they just disappear out of the blue or evaporate into thin air then vaporize in another dimension or something. Because I’m so nonchalant, I always feel like this is a ploy just to get me out of my skin. Young me used to really let this get to me. Even though I wouldn’t let people see me sweat, I used to be a wreck. I was always left feeling very confused and in the dark, especially if things were going well. I thought I needed closure and acknowledgement from him that he hurt me. No one likes to deal with rejection but it’s an inevitable part of life. Accept it and keep your head in the game so you can prepare for your next win. This is how the wiser me deals with personal relationships when they stop flowing effortlessly:
- Listen to his actions. That old cliche is super true. Because I value words so much and they’re my main tool for expression, I have to remind myself that everyone isn’t me. It’s harder for most men to say how they feel but they’re actions will always tell you what you need to know. If there’s inconsistency between his words and actions, his actions carry more weight and will tell you all you need to know. What’s important is seeing things as they are, not as you think they are or want them to be.
- Don’t react! After you analyze his actions and realize he just curved you, your first reaction is going to be an emotional one. Do the opposite or do nothing. Transmute that anger and that disappointment into something productive. I hate running but when I’m mad I will run miles uphill on the treadmill, the whole time visualizing every time my foot hits the ground I’m stomping the person’s face. It helps me deal lol
- It’s ok to care, it’s ok to hurt. I deal with my emotions with myself for the most part and throw them into a poem or something just so that I can release them and not hold on to them. What’s important for me is that I take the time to deal with them. I know that I have to express myself in order to remain sane. I have to be honest with myself and say this is how I feel and this is why. I let myself feel whatever feelings come and then let them pass without acting because of them. For years I would suppress my emotions or try and convince myself that I didn’t care when the fact was I did care and I was just hurt that it wasn’t reciprocated.
- Control your environment. Also known as breaking the addiction. If you’re not strong enough to not text him, delete his number. Unfollow on twitter, unfriend on facebook, don’t go somewhere he might be otherwise you are just making yourself susceptible to situations that may trigger you to react. On average it’s said that it takes 21 days to make something a habit. Just as you got used to him being around, you can get used to him not being around. The world is still spinning.
- Forget about why if you know you did your best. I struggled with this. I used to immediately think I did something wrong or wasn’t good enough for a guy after being rejected. Then I learned that as long as I did all I could do while staying true to myself, why he doesn’t want me is the wrong thing to be worried about. If my best wasn’t enough for him, that’s his own personal issue. The only closure you need is the closure you give.
- Call your ego. I starve my ego because the ego promotes separation and always looks for proof of why you’re better. In dealing with rejection, the ego can come in handy. I listen to songs like “Why Don’t You Love Me” by Beyonce, “Baby I’m A Star” by Prince or “I’m Illy” by TI or anything that says I am greatness and if you don’t see if that’s on you. I don’t really like to listen to sad songs when I’m sad because that’ll keep me sad. I look in the mirror and talk myself into remembering who I am. If he isn’t giving you any energy, keep yourself in check by giving whatever energy you would have given him to yourself. Only reason you suffer or hurt is because you’re feeling the need to be validated by him instead of validating yourself.
I feel like I’m forgetting something but I don’t know what. How do you deal with rejection? Feel free to share. These things work for me. One situation not working out is always a blessing because it means something better is on the way. Excusing yourself from a situation is not equivalent to giving up or being weak. It’s actually a testimony to how much you value you. Staying immersed in situations that are not making you feel good about you or moving in the direction of your overall goal will do nothing but delay the actualization of your vision. Next time he pulls a fadeaway or fake breaks up with you, just STFU and enjoy life. Either he lacks the balls to communicate or he has other stuff going on. Neither has anything to do with you. I don’t know about you but I don’t want anyone who is afraid to communicate and express himself like an adult. Neither do I want someone who isn’t ready to work towards something and build with me. You control you, your reactions, and your thoughts, not his. Just keep doing your best and life will reward you accordingly. It’s really that simple. Game. Blouses.