#SoPhi | “Self Medication” By @PhillyTheBoss

by • August 20, 2012 • SoPhiComments (3)1728

I’ve heard the whispers of “What makes him a relationship expert?” Interestingly enough, I don’t consider myself any type of expert. I write strictly from the logical space in my brain. I can’t tell you what will make your relationship 100% fool proof. Why? Because the fool might just be you, or me, or him or her. Relationships take two people giving 100%, and often times people aren’t. We naively cruise along until the road gets rocky and at that point when one or the other is tired then comes the “Lets make it work.” With all the suggestions I give out, I figured I’d make my thoughts and emotions transparent, that I’d dissect me for a change. That’s what makes me different than most who write: I do this from an honest place, not for glory, fame or anything else. While this blog may help me, I hope it helps one of you as well..

I was talking to a good friend of mine ‘Kendra G’ (Radio Host/TV Anchor for FOX) one day and she said “You aren’t married because you are too focused on your career. You have put your career first and you haven’t met anyone that makes you put them first.” All this time I was thinking “I would love to get married. I can’t wait to meet THE ONE; I’ll be open with my thoughts on marriage, children, life and love. Show that I’m not the typical guy,” That’s what I ASSUMED my angle was. I was, in fact, in denial about my sub-conscious efforts to meet ‘THE CONVENIENT ONE‘. Have I been lying to myself all this time? Yes. I’ve been lying to myself about my intentions for damn near a decade, with a few gaps of authenticity. Why? Why have I been subconsciously pacifying myself and my needs when It comes to women?

My first SERIOUS relationship was from the ages of 17-21, She was 8 years my senior (of which she was unaware of me not being 18 yet when we met) and taught me A LOT. We moved in together, me fresh out of high school, and I was on the freeway to contentment. The whole time we were together, it never occurred to me that she had insecurity amongst other issues within relationships. However, we lasted 4 years. Trips, vacations, excitement, amazement, overcoming obstacles, everything. We incurred almost every thrill and spill a couple can go through. It all ended because of her emotional demons that I wasn’t seasoned enough to decipher. I spoke about the end in a previous blog HERE. I left. Prior to her, I was full fledged into the streets. There were a few things my dad instilled in me, that was instilled in him by his father. Loyalty was one. “Loyalty is all you have. In order to make it anywhere, surround yourself with people whom are loyal. That’s the ticket.” Being lost, feeling betrayed after four years of what seemed to be a relationship headed for success had me staring myself down in the mirror daily. “How did I get here? What’s next?!” It was either back to getting money the way I was accustomed to prior to her OR continuing what she started in me, getting my life in order. I decided to continue, fell in love with the stock market (one of the things she got me involved in), from commodities to blue chips to even riskier plays. I had even created a “Retire at 40” portfolio. My mission from that point was to succeed, the fake prototype of a man that women allegedly want. Successful, no “baby mothers”, own property & can give the world. When you’re a young man, dating an older woman and she strays you definitely think “Its because I can’t give her what guys her age offers her.” However I pursued this measure of success blindly, learning later that success is nothing but happiness. My happiness doesn’t lie in money. I made and abused that as an adolescent. I realized success for me is a strong household, with an amazing woman as my foundation along with children.

My thought process for years was; “Don’t make a child if she’s not whom I’m willing to marry. Build me as a brand – as a MAN – in order to attract a top tier female.” When I say top tier, I’m not talking lawyer, doctor, Queen of England. I’m speaking on said woman’s character. Being raised in the environment of which I came; I’ve come to realize Great Women are everywhere, some just need to be afforded the opportunity. My Grandmother, to this day, is the strongest black woman I know. She didn’t have much but she sacrificed and made a way. She stayed on my ass to succeed. Therefore, I know first hand that there are great women in places no one is looking. One of my current motto’s is “It doesn’t matter where I find you, as long as loyalty is a major part in the make up of your character.” All of which is what I thought I was searching for…

I sat down recently and have come to grips that I’ve been selling my self short in terms of some women I date, strictly because they’re convenient. As Kendra G said, I’m busy with building this “empire”. Therefore, I’m more prone to long distance relationships or women I subconsciously know wont do enough, although I’d hope they do the best. They wont and conveniently enough, I’ll move on. Why? Because after my first love, and along the way, I can say there were 3 women I put everything else 2nd to, and with each failure, I buried myself into my work more and more. That’s my automatic defense for disappointment. The control freak in me reverts back to what I control, me and my life. I’ve witnessed the woman I loved most since my first ex go looking for answers from a woman that doesn’t really care for her and sees her as a pawn. I just sat back and thought for starters: “How do you get info from a person that has less info than you?” as well as “I might want to.. RUN. I’ve come to realize that ever since the first love, every time I spot the insecurities in a woman, I bail or slowly ween myself away or guard my emotions. I equate insecurities with someone who will look for a way to validate themselves in someway, not excluding; cheating. ESPECIALLY CHEATING. My insecurities are my mates insecurities…I cant trust whatever it is she doesn’t trust. I’m unsure about her, because she’s unsure about some unknown ghost issue which will make her flighty at some point. Why fall in love with a flight risk, we’ve all seen how those movies ended before… How the fuck did this happen?! How do you become insecure because of someone else’s insecurities? Is it a disease? Can you inherit it?

Me being me, I figured a few approaches to remedy the situation in the future. Hopefully it works. I look forward to marriage, children, family vacations, new traditions my wife and I would create to pass down for generations… Because at some point you realize that you’ve climbed to the top of the mountain alone and there’s no one to share the spectacular view with. I’m a few hundred yards from the apex of this particular mountain in the few I have to climb and I’ve come to realize when I get there, there may not be anyone cheering for me, nor the “Baby we did it” moment.. A moment I look forward to.

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3 Responses to #SoPhi | “Self Medication” By @PhillyTheBoss

  1. PHOENIXSTAR9 says:

    This describes my life to a T. The women I meet I often place them under my business and they come last. As much as I want to share myself with them sometimes I feel as if they get in the way. Then I have to wonder why I invite them into my life only to make them feel miserable in the end. What I like about the article is how you brought it full circle that in the end you do want somebody to share that success with. I’m working towards that. Glad I’m not the only one that feels this way though. Great article.

  2. BossDivaShop says:

    I applaud your transparency, however I detect an underlying tone of your uncertainty. You appear to want loyalty but yet you have not fully come to terms with your own desires. Nice that you look at yourself in the mirror, always remember that your woman is a reflection of you. Here is something for you to think about ( I am paraphrasing) it is better to be a diamond with flaws than to be a pebble that is flawless. Thanks for another good read.

    • phillytheboss says:

      I’m actually very aware and have come to terms with my own desires. The issue is settling for “In the Meantime” options that I’d hope would look to achieve more. Thanks for reading

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