It seems like the one thing we all have in common would be handled with so much care and more people would aim to master it. But of course, in reality, communication has really become a lost art. It takes skill to effectively communicate with people, to be able to express yourself and gain understanding without adding extra, irrelevant emotions and other random information into a conversation. We abuse and neglect communication at times. We either use it to harp on what we don’t like by complaining, ridiculing, and projecting our insecurities on the next person or we shut down and don’t communicate at all, leaving us suffering silently. Women are more often prone to communicating based on emotion instead of fact. Instead of saying, “When you do this I feel like that,” we will just have an attitude and act like a b*tch toward our men instead of just stating what the issue is. Men more often than not will suppress emotions and not communicate them at all. Both behaviors lead to a disconnection, confusion, and eventually the demise of the relationship.
Life has taught me that I am the type need to express myself. What’s important is finding a healthy, tactful, and effective way to do so. In past relationships I found myself in dilemmas where I had something to say but I didn’t because of many different fears. Is it really important? Am I just trippin? Should I rock the boat? What if he leaves because I say this? Those were my main fears and I would talk myself into suppressing my emotions. The thing about suppression is that it’s only a temporary solution, not a cure. The only way to learn a lesson and really change a behavior is to find it’s root and correct the thoughts about it. Those emotions always came back. If not in the same relationship, in the next until I learned to express myself honestly and faced my fear. If you’ve ever dealt with diamonds you know their worth is determined by the 4 C’s: color, cut, clarity, and carat. To simplify things, I came up with 4 C’s to determine if it’s worth communicating my thoughts, especially in personal relationships:
Content: You should first ask yourself how important is what you want to say. Is it something that is going to affect whether or not you decide to continue the relationship? If yes, of course you should speak your mind. If it’s something that’s going to be on your mind until you vent about it, let it out. Even if you do just need to vent, tell your significant other that. Better to vent to your man and tell him you just need to vent than to vent to a friend who will offer unsolicited advice making the issue seem like it’s more important than it is and amping you up to start a bs argument with your man. If it’s something minor, I would say keep it to yourself.
Confidence: Check what you’re craving to get from communicating the issue. Don’t berate your man (or anyone for that matter) just to satisfy your ego’s need for a good stroke. Your topic of conversation should be something you strongly believe in expressing your thoughts about. Are you just looking to start a petty argument so you can be right about something? Are you taking your frustration from another area of your life out on your significant other? Are you communicating because you need validation and are feeling insecure? If any of those is true or even in question, SAVE IT! All of those are personal problems you need to solve on your own. Or involve your partner in helping you with your security issues without projecting your feelings on him. For example, if you’re just having a moment where you want some attention, say that instead of nagging or some other annoying behavior that’s just gonna push him away. Which leads to the next C,
Clarity: Be clear, be direct, and stick to the issue at hand. Don’t begin with him leaving dirty clothes on the floor annoying you this morning (which to me is minor enough to save) and then start talking about him not listening to something you said three weeks ago. Three weeks ago is irrelevant, you should have said something then!! Clarity also involves being honest, transparent. Even if you think it’s silly that an issue is bothering you but you’re just talking about it to gain understanding, communicate that. Just stick to the matter at hand.
Consistency: A lot of communication is nonverbal meaning after you have stated your issue, act accordingly. After it’s been discussed, it’s now in the past where it can stay. Hopefully dude is a winner and puts forth effort to reach a solution with you. If he doesn’t STFU. You’ve done your part by expressing yourself. Ultimatums and future threats are unnecessary, either remove yourself or accept things as they are. But if you have already communicated verbally how you felt, the next step is showing. Half of effective communication is knowing when to STFU. Gauging when to show and when to tell. Some women need to do more showing and some men need to do more telling.
Life happens and sometimes you just need to STFU and enjoy it before it passes you by while you’re flapping your gums about meaningless sh*t. Thank you for reading. – @ImDesi