#SoPhi | “Self Medication Part 2: The Guilt” By @PhillyTheBoss [Excerpt from ‘Self Medication’ Book] |

by • September 10, 2012 • SoPhiComments (0)1003

‘Self Medication’ is a book of the self-help genre written by @PhillyTheBoss with a journal-like undertone. The book will be released Late fall/early winter. All personal stories on life, love, business, wins & losses. Written to assist those who may have encountered the same things or who may be able to relate & tools that helped him to the light at the end of the tunnel in each situation.

“You Hurt Me, You do me so wrong”  she said..

I said to myself, “No, I’m hurting HER, because I should have BEEN left you.” See, I’m not much of the communicating type after I’ve said something the first time. We’ve been here before, however the shoe was on the other foot; me wanting to go, and her not wanting me to. Allowing my love to keep me there but my mind to wander. Yeah, I probably should have said something. I probably should have sat back and thought for awhile before I agreed to stay and work on it those 2 or 3 times. I mentally checked out so long ago, I can’t remember what caused it. I just know its the love that kept me loyal. Its my loyalty that kept me loving her all while the others she complained of put in more work in order to seize her spot. I finally realized why she complained. Mentally I wasn’t there with her anymore, and she saw what others offered. I guess she was thinking what I should have been thinking; “What man WOULDN’T take those offers?” As well as sensing that I was no longer enamored mentally, I must be connected elsewhere. However, I wasn’t tied elsewhere. Unfortunately for me, being bred and brought up in these streets a certain way, at the end of the day loyalty is one of the few things a person has. Ironically, I was loyal and cheating. I cheated her and myself. Why did I stay? Once I mentally expound on the thought, I realized I was just waiting – waiting for her to show me different. Not caring about her requests because mine were hardly met. I cheated myself out of time, money, maybe a true love because I allowed love to keep me where I shouldn’t have been. Love kept me in a hopeless place. I didn’t find it there, it trapped me there. I was cheating her because she no longer had all of me. She had me conditionally. In sports we call it “The Players Option” aka “IF I STAY, I’m here because I want to be, because I have faith that we will right this ship.” Then I realized the shallow minds of individuals will manipulate them into thinking “He’s/She is here because they know I’m a good woman/man” They’re right. We see the good in others so we try to draw on that. We show that we are able/willing to leave, therefore they should stop shortchanging themselves as well as us. That’s just wishful thinking. The one on the short end of the stick never goes that deep into thought, they are happy that you didn’t follow through and stayed. It satiated their lonesomeness. It re-routed their loss. No one likes taking the “L”.. I realized if this was a video game, what I did is equivalent to watching her lose horribly and just before the game ends, hitting the reset button but changing the difficulty settings from Rookie to Intermediate. Which is ass backwards because if she sucked at “Rookie” hitting reset doesn’t change shit… besides my mind. There’s only so many times you start the game over and watch them give it their best shot, right? I allowed other women to be my mental distraction – not emotional, not physical – mental. I was going to check back in once she tried a different approach, however, she never did…. and the losing continued.

How it was/should be handled will be in the book. You can tweet me your opinions on how this should be handled OR leave it in the comments below. I reply to everyone.

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