I believe myself to be a hopeful romantic. I love to fall in love – unfortunately, with all of the wrong women. See, taking my own advice is something I struggle with. The dating process itself seems like some sort of entrapment to me. The way my mind is wired enables the mirage of who these women are to expand much further than it should. For instance, when you meet a woman it’s fresh and new – the hand-holding, those surprising yet breathtaking character traits, that first kiss that leaves promise of a future….it’s all amazing, yet very blinding. My theory on this: If I didn’t see a person’s potential, I would see that the same person couldn’t give two shits about their potential.
In the realm of love, if you can’t grow together you shouldn’t be together. Based on previous relationships, I’ve realized some people don’t want to grow, they want to be enabled. They want the benefits of love and a relationship but they’re not willing to come outside of themselves for the cause of “Us”. In recent years, I went into every situation open to all the possibilities of what could come. However, in dating women there are so many intricacies that you must succumb to, or handle one by one, to get to the bread and butter of being with someone.
When you date someone, you’re dating a piece of everyone in their past. If she’s used to shallow men who are only into her looks, they’ve likely told her what she wants to hear to get what they want. They have constructed a complete monster. With each guy who told her she was beautiful and perfect, with every bed sheet stained in ecstasy, she left a piece of her spirit behind to a man only looking to fulfill his own selfish wants until better came along; and we’re left wishing she understood how much we’re trying to love her.
If there’s anything men know, men know women love compliments. Guys pay compliment after compliment to undeserving women all the time. Now, I’m not saying these women are horrible, but we’re doing them a disservice. Just as you would cultivate your child to be the best that they can be, you should tell your partner where they come up short. Unfortunately men, for the most part, are horrible at communicating that. So what ends up happening is, instead of him saying, “You need to get your act together here, here and here,” he cheats. Thus, at the end of it all, it all becomes his fault. Why? Because she was never told that she was trash or lackluster. Whenever she was wrong she heard nothing, and whenever she was great she heard nothing but compliments. A culture where men are horrible communicators and women, man after man, become more unaware of their faults, just doesn’t work out.
The “getting to know you” phase allowed me to escape into the dreams and aspirations of the woman I was dating. My approach isn’t “where is she?” but “where is she trying to go?” For years I realized I may be more established than the norm, which resulted in me not being interested in dating my “equal,” per se. The first woman I fell in love with was eight years older than me. I was 18 and she was 26. At the time, I was heavy into street life and she was very much the corporate lady. I will forever appreciate her because she taught me how to transition my life and myself to be greater. She saw my potential and cultivated my assets. I somewhat willingly allowed her to mold me. I saw that she wanted better in me, so I wanted to be better for her.
Call it naivety, but that’s what I thought was logical. I thought no matter how great I became, as long as a woman knew I wanted better, they would be better. I’ve never been more wrong. My optimism in women who are not “there” yet is my Achilles’ heel. I try to show them that .While yes, I genuinely like you, you don’t have to be a partner in a law firm for me to see you as my equal. I also want you to see your flaws – the fixable, unnecessary ones. I can overlook a so-called flaw like her being a bit heavy. We can exercise that away. And there may be other things: lack of compromise, etiquette, etc. When my woman leaves the house I want her to be adored, not lusted. Adoration comes with respect. Lust comes with nothing more. Your exterior can be amazing and it will automatically garner you attention. However, the way you carry yourself will command a certain level of respect that turns that lust into adoration. That’s the part I want to show.
Even if in the end you are not with me, be a better woman for yourself – financially, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I realize while I’m attempting to build all of this up in each woman I encounter, I lose a piece of me in the process. When you’re with someone you try to give it your all, right? You see the vicious cycle? Someone comes to you with obvious great traits, yet they’re immensely broken, and in the process of trying to fix them you become weary and broken. In the end, instead of one broken person, now there are two. It’s hard not to care so much when you’re in the business of caring.
I find it amazing that people will criticize politicians daily, when daily we treat our relationships as if they were campaigns. We need to start being honest with ourselves. No running from one relationship to the next because we think, “It wasn’t me, it was them.” Even if that person cheated, are you sure you know why they did? If that person just got up one day and quit on you, do you know why? Do you know how to have a healthy dialogue with someone you love in order to find out what may be the underlying issues? Or will you continue to lie to yourself, pasting plaster over the hole in the sheet rock of your heart and soul? Ask yourself, do I want to get it right now or deal with it later? I can only imagine the avalanche of emotions one feels when they are married to someone they had to settle on because they refused to get it right; or the emotions one feels when they are old and lonely. I promised myself to always enter a relationship wanting the most. Even if I lose, I’m certain I don’t want to feel the pain in latter days that denial brings.