3 years ago my cousin, who is also like my best friend, broke up with his girlfriend. During their relationship I always liked her and was extremely attracted to her. He wondered why I stopped hanging around as much when he started dating her, and it was because I liked her. Well towards the end of their relationship, her and I sort of had a little fling. During the course of the last 3 years we’ve been dating on and off and having sex. I even lost a boyfriend because of this. I am in love her but I do not want to hurt my cousin and damage our relationship, but I also can nonstop my feelings for his ex. My cousin has moved on and now has a new fiance and they just had a little girl, so i often hope that will soften the blow come the day for him to find out. His ex also feels the same as I do. But I think the ultimate shocker to him will be to find out that we are both lesbian. I’m going crazy because we’ve been keeping this secret for years both about our sexuality and about our secret affair. What should I do?
Wow. This email was sent to me anonymously about a week ago and I am just now gathering the thoughts to respond. Let me first start off by saying 1.) your relationship is already damaged with your cousin, he just isn’t aware that it is, and 2.) the truth shall set you free.
I think the biggest issue you are having is not being honest and open about your sexuality. That is bigger than you damaging your relationship with your cousin, because that is a fact that will personally affect you for the rest of your life.Relationships can always be restored, only if the 2 people in the relationship make changes. If you don’t grab the lesbian bull by the horns and ride out, you will continue to live in agony and hurt yourself and others. I have so many questions about this relationship you’re having with your cousin’s ex and how this all came about, lot of missing details. But I will continue on with what the facts that you have provided.
It seems like you started off trying to do the right thing, keeping your distance because you realized there was a boundary in place about not having romantic and intimate relations with your cousin’s then girlfriend. Somewhere, somehow, you gave in. This makes me think that one or both of you entertained each other inappropriately and then things blossomed from there. I’m a firm believer of the cliche proverb, ‘ Its Not What You Do, Its How You Do It’. Your first demon was not being open about your sexuality, that’s the BIG hump that you still haven’t crossed. The second was not being up front with your cousin about your feelings for his ex-girlfriend.
The concern is that you and her are not good for each other, at least not right now. This is why I feel that way:
The two of you are using each other as emotional crutches to either mask or evade that you are both either full blown lesbian or bisexual. You both are also dishonest, so I question that if the two of you were to step back and look at the situation through a logical lens instead of an emotional one, would you actually even trust each other?
Neither of you possess loyalty.
Your relationship is built off of the ” we got dirt on each other” fine print contractual agreement.
You’re betraying your cousin, and shes betraying someone she once used to love and cherish, despite why their relationship ended.
You’ve already lost a boyfriend and you could possibly be on the brink of losing a best friend. You are selfish. Flat out. You are willing to deceive and fake it until you make it,to hide your BS because you are not secure nor woman enough to accept yourself, and present the REAL you to the world.
I empathize with you because sexuality struggles are not easy, even in our day and age. I also relate to strongly liking or loving someone that you *technically* shouldn’t, but I do not condone or coddle behavior that can damage and hurt other people.
People lie when they are in fear. You might be in fear that your cousin and other family members will judge you and maybe even cast you off for your behavior. You might be in fear that your coming out of the closet will be looked at as disgusting and vile. However, You never gave yourself the option of finding out, and you also have taken the option from those around you, to accept you in a positive light.
So what should you do?
Well I would say, you need to first self evaluate. Are you a lesbian? Are you bisexual? Who are you? Answer that first. Accept it. Live in it. BE IT. Then you need to strip yourself of all excuses and selfish desires and confess to your cousin what has been going on. Deal with that and assess it. You’ve gotten to live in this sinful fun of being sneaky and deceiving for 3 years now. Now its time to be a woman and responsible and put everything on the table. Will you be vilified for your actions? Maybe. Highly probable. But you will feel a lot better and you can focus on your relationship without burden, that is if you two decide to continue forward.
Thank you for sharing and I wish the 3 of you the best of luck.