#SoPhi | “The Loves Of My Life (Part 1) ” [‘Self Medication 2’ Excerpt] By @PhillyTheBoss |

by • December 25, 2013 • SoPhiComments (0)1571

The loves of my life…

When my sister and myself were first taken from our mother it was devastating. If you’ve never been there, you could never envision the feeling of losing your mother without getting to say “I love you”, or “goodbye”. I was only 6 years old, I didn’t know how to comprehend that shit. All I can recall is being put in a group home, with the other kids, like cattle, waiting to be “chosen”. It didn’t take my father long to catch wind of the situation, but his name was too well known for all the wrong things. On top of not having a legit job, his reputation wouldn’t allow him to take us in. So instead, he contacted his mother, our grandmother, and she took us in…

My first memories of my grandmother were from going over to visit her house when I was maybe 3 or 4 years old. In this particular memory, I was feeling sick and was congested. I had a cold, and I’m not sure what my mom was doing to help but it wasn’t working. As gross as this sounds, my grandma put her mouth over my nose and helped draw the mucous loose. I remember her saying “now blow”, and when I say I could smell roses in Pasadena afterwards, I could smell roses in Pasadena. My grandma was the first love of my life. Every visit to her from that day was something I looked forward to.

Fast forward to the day we were leaving state custody. I remember asking all the same questions: “Is our mom here? What about our mom?!” When I walked into the room, however, I saw the greatest face on the face of this Earth. I saw the one woman who was single handedly responsible for all my greatest memories as a child. As I write this I still smile in relief. My grandmother, once again, came through and saved my life. Over the years, she would be my rock and my support. She ruled with an iron fist but knew how to not overdo it…I found my way as a man through her guidance and love. I was a rebel as a youth, but was still cognizant of her influence when I did things. It was either be on a leash chained up by her or in a chain gang. I recognize that my fear of her is what kept me out of the criminal justice system.

From the time my grandma got custody of us, she told me, “I don’t gotta carry ya carcass across the stage, you will graduate. That’s our goal.” Who was I to argue? My grandma was a “G”, confrontational and would put hands on anybody. During one of the days she was teaching me how to cook sweet potato pies, she told me about a time she was in a bar and this man kept bothering her. Eventually, he physically touched her to get her attention; she broke a bottle and killed him with it…and then beat the case. You want me to graduate you say? That’s it? Done. You don’t have to tell me twice. Interestingly enough, one teacher of mine in Middle school was the sister of the guy who was slain. Talk about an awkward day at that Parent/Teacher Conference.

On the lighter side, my Grandma was my biggest cheerleader, she always held me down. I’ve realized that one attribute I look for in women is a direct result of the relationship I have with my grandmother: that undying love & support, the genuine feel of love. I’ve come to realize over the years that relationships don’t last forever, but love does. When you love something or someone, you always will. It’s genuine. You can’t turn it on or off, it’s there. All the women I’ve ever loved I still love to this day. No matter the reason we parted, I love them and will always be here for them. That’s my definition of love because that’s how it was defined to me throughout my life. That’s how I identify it. See, when I marry, this attribute is what I feel I will need…that deep down, “no matter what, I love you” feel. Forever is what we make it, but when the world gets rough I’d want a woman willing to grind it out with me. That’s “holding me down”. I don’t get caught up in human actions, because we’re flawed. We’re going to make mistakes. I listen to what someone’s soul and spirit tells me. That way, they will never lie to you. Words can be false, actions can be deceiving, but the spirit of a person never lies.

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