As I sit on my bedroom floor, I feel that if I really let myself, I could cry. Just one of those days. I just burst a big hole into an expensive air mattress, which is basically my bed for the time being, and ripped the crotch of my brand new silk pajamas. I’m broke. My eyebrows need a major waxing. When’s the last time I had a pedicure? *looks down*
Directly in front of me is a 6 feet tall mirror. Oh look, my hair, it’s all over my head, I hate these glasses, I need to lose weight, these acne scars won’t clear up, is that a double chin? I just don’t feel beautiful.
So, I make a pallet on the floor consisting of Vera Wang bed linen & decorative pillows and I stare up at the ceiling fan.
“Happy Birthday to me, I guess.”
Oh. There goes the tears of self-pity. I couldn’t resist . Just go to sleep. Just…..go….to…..sleep.
What if the last thing you said about yourself, is what was going to be used in your obituary? Think about how subtlety we self-depreciate, and the things we measure our worth to.
The last 4 months of my life consisted of being semi-dumped, losing a job, giving up a beautiful apartment and privacy, moving back home with my parents, being semi-dumped again, and just feeling completely defeated at life.
I don’t have a job. I thought I was about to embark on a new relationship. I can’t seem to get this scale to move down…….*hears mini violin playing*
So as I cry, and laugh, and search for Kleenex in the darkness, I decide to just lay there. Fuck Kleenex. Lay in this snot and tears on this deflated ass air mattress. Heal girl. Heal. Channel the inner box fade spirit of Iyanla and fix your damn life!
Now of course I can’t really fix my life on the bedroom floor, but I can fix how I VIEW my life.
For heavens sake, I had a job taken away, financial security. Freedom!
But are these things really who I am?
I can do many things in life.
I can gain 80 pounds and be morbidly obese, I can lose 80 and be a supermodel. I can get another job and make good money, or not, and stay broke & poor. I can meet a man and become a wife, or not and die alone. But somewhere in all the possibilities, I need to know WHO I AM, I need to be able to live with all the decisions that I make. I need to like myself. I need to love myself.
It’s very natural for us to have a mood change when the things that make us comfortable & happy are suddenly shifted. Or if we start to allow societal norms and trends define how we live and feel.
I remember reading a story about a man that committed suicide, because he could no longer work to provide for his family. He felt worthless . Then I thought, is that what we make men feel is there only worth and purpose to life? Providing financially? That’s just one of many things that worth is measured to.
Women are made to feel worthless if they aren’t in relationship. If they’re single and childless beyond a certain age. No husband? No kids? What’s wrong?
It’s my birthday. My life , nor this actual day, has gone how I planned. But if I had to die at this very moment, I’d be satisfied with what people would be able to say about who I am. Nothing is perfect and never will be. Even when planned, things won’t go right. But working on yourself and your quality of life, is far more valuable than the things that can be taken from you.
If everything you have is stripped away , who are you? Things make us, happy. People make us happy. But ultimately it’s our inner selves that we have as a back up, when those things and people are gone. What do you measure your worth by ? What you have or what you do, or who you are?
As I completed this piece, upon the couch, feeling well rested, and slightly dehydrated from all the crying….. I stuck my fingers in my thick nappy hair, and felt the cool breeze in my holy crotch pajamas. I’m unstoppable. There’s not a person or event in my life, that has changed who I am. There’s not a mistake that I haven’t forgiven myself for. There’s not a person that can tell me more about myself than I already know.
Knowing who you are and to how your worth is measured, is majority of life’s battle. Once you figure it out for yourself, never lose sight of it. It’s the one thing no one can take away from you. Self-love, awareness, and worth.