On a recent night on the town with friends, I ran into my besties boyfriend out with another woman. The pair appeared very cozy, holding hands and sharing kisses on the cheeks and such. Before I made my way over, I thought it best to confirm my friend and Mr. Sweet With The Ladies were still an item. Once confirmed, I decided to make my way to the table. Before I could get up, the friends at my table urged me not to go over. There were 5 of us and not one (with the exception of myself) thought it was a good idea. All of them told me not to engage and to never mention it to my friend. I did it anyway. Why? Because were it my boyfriend, I’d want my best friend to walk over there, let it be known that he was spotted and tell me.
When I got back to the table, I was labeled a snitch. My girlfriends warned that my homegirl and I would soon have a different relationship should they decide to work it out and I’d be an outcast. I have since noticed that my friend hasn’t been calling as much and now I’m wondering if they were right. Am I wrong for confronting him? Should I have not mentioned it to my friend? I care about my friend and feel I did the right thing but I fear that my big mouth has costed me my friendship of 7 years. Can my friendship be repaired?
Blowing up spots
Thank you Ms. “Blow Up Spots” for your inquiry, however you kind of answered this yourself. Yet, for the readers, I will elaborate just a tad.
You should never inject yourself too deeply into other peoples affairs. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart. People don’t leave their mates because you think they should, they leave when they’re good and ready to. You walked up and checked her man and immediately became public enemy number one with him. You then told her about it so when she approached him, he knew the information came directly from you. It get’s tricky because if she decides “love conquers all” guess who gets left out in the cold? YOU. They can’t attempt to rebuild anything with an unpleasant variable. YOU. Also, you are a reason of shame and or embarrassment. She can’t keep him and set herself up for the potential questioning and shame that comes from a friend who hates her douche bag cheating of a man. That’s where the distance comes from. A balance of shame and keeping the peace.
I always say, if you feel like you must tattletale or mind others business, do it discreetly. For example If I seen my friends girlfriend in a bar cozy with another guy, I’d end it but not necessarily mention it to my friend. Or I’d never make her aware I seen her, discuss with my friend and tell him to keep me out of it. Come up with a detailed and layered story but keep me out of it. This is why I always tell people not all manipulation is bad. Sometimes manipulation is necessary to keep the peace overall. To keep balance. Love doesn’t always include logic, logical outcomes hardly happen thus why heartbreak is a normal occurrence. Therefore learn how not to sacrifice your friendships by being a vigilante in the name of love.
Your friend may come around after a while. However, for future reference just mind your own business OR strategically find a way to keep your friendships in tact while making your friend hip to the bullshit. You know your friends better than I would, you know how they tic, their personalities etc. so instead of acting first and thinking after, think first and then act.
Hope this helped. Stop losing friends being a superhero without rhyme or reason.
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